Closer
by Trinity Destler
Summary: Short little drabbleish thing. Sydney needs help, but she's not going to the right place...


Closer

_you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you..._

The pavement was slick with the spitting rain, like a blanket of damp in the thick night air, droplets a constant barrage against all exposed skin... The circle of illumination from the streetlamp sheened on the wet asphalt, reflecting into honey brown eyes that serveyed the scene with chilly indifference. The air was warm and heady, but her air was prim, her hair and clothes pristine and unaffected by the world around her.

Sydney Fox sighed heavily as she watched for her quary, it wasn't the first time she had been on a stake-out alone, it wouldn't be the last if things went well... but for some reason, for the first time in her life, the solitude was starting to get to her. It was almost like she wasn't used to it anymore... that was ridiculous. She'd been alone for years before, she could be again- who was to say that she couldn't? Not him... he'd always believe she could do anything she set her mind to.

Not that she ever told him how much she appreciated that... she didn't tell him how much she appreciated anything he did. He still thought he was a useless burden to her, and she never said a damn thing to stop him thinking it because she was too proud to admit he had a thousand times her knowledge and an analytical mind that left her puzzle-solving skills in the dust. She always had to say something before he could... she didn't want to be dependant; let herself realize that she needed him..... She'd better just face the music and admit that that she didn't want to realize that he had the potential to be a far better relic hunter than she was.

_you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you...   
_

That was probably why she hauled him around by the scruff of his neck, ignored him, forgot him and flaunted her moves in front of him. Sure, most of the time she was just doing what needed to be done- no apologies- but even she had to admit that a lot of it wasn't necessary. That there _had _been other options open to her- sometimes even better ones she just didn't feel like taking... options that would have put _him _in his comfort zone and taken her out of hers. She didn't want to go there, she _hated _it in that place where she wasn't in control, in the know and the best at everything there was to do that mattered at all.

Yeah, it was time Sydney admitted that she treated him like crap- and he never once complained, never once asked for anything better, never once threatened to leave the way her past assistants had... threats they'd been forced to follow through on when she refused to change for them.... He was different from every man she'd ever known her whole life; not just charming, but genuinely chivalrious, not just quiet and handsome, but sharper than a tack and modest to a fault. He was kind and... he was good. And Sydney had never, ever in her whole life attracted the sort of man that was just plain _good_.

She mocked this goodness, made him feel inadequete next to all her armourous, macho lovers... made him feel like nice guys really do finish last. Poor Nigel, he didn't know....

_help me I broke apart my insides, help me I've got no soul to sell   
help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself   
_

Sydney was driving herself crazy trying to get away from the one conclusion she had never wanted or strived to reach... the answer to her peculiar mystery of _exactly _when she treated her assistant- the best assistant she had ever had- as if her were dirt under her foot. She knew half of it was self-defence, not wanting to allow him to grow and realize himself that he had the capacity to beat her at her own game if he could just find the courage to step out of her shadow. Half of it.... but the other half was the part that disturbed her- the part that she had never experience before, and alien feeling that she couldn't deal with.

There it was again, the pivitol issue. Control. Sydney absolutely loathed being out of control, especially of herself, she hated being drunk, she hated being dressed up... it made her feel as though she could be dominated and she'd decided never to allow that. Long ago she'd locked up the impulses to drink or leap onto the back of the hypothetical motocycle or fall in love... Love was the worst out of the bunch of it; when you're in love you can't even think much less pass of the rigid self-control she needed.

But... what was the sacrifice she was making for control? She'd stopped thinking about it, but this... problem was making it foremost in her mind again. Coming to terms with it, she knew she was giving up most of life- the very best parts of life. She knew that awe and wonder only come when you allow the world to sweep you away....

She remembered being one of a sea of bodies, moving in rythyme to a pounding, vibrating beat that found its root in the very core of your being- drove you on and wouldn't let you be still. She remembered the old days of dance halls and bars and hostels and every unthinkable place on earth... She went because she couldn't bear to miss anything, even something it was in better judgement to miss.

Where was she now? Outside a mansion in the rain... but she had choosen to come here. She'd thought about it for weeks, premeditated, planned, thought-out, and every other word for a situation she had controled. She'd come here to solve her problem with a visit to a very old friend. She was going to sacrifice the most amazing thing that had ever happened to ever just as she had sacrificed every other....

She sighed. Who was she kidding? Nothing would make this go away... nothing except....

_I want to fuck you like an animal   
I want to feel you from the inside   
I want to fuck you like an animal   
my whole existence is flawed   
you get me closer to god   
you can have my isolation, you can have the hate that it brings   
you can have my absence of faith, you can have my everything_

She shook her head violently, she couldn't get rid of him, she couldn't let herself _have _him... even if this didn't work, it was the only option she had. When it failed she would just have to learn to live with her problem- then it would be in control even while it was out of her control. She couldn't make ti go away, but she could teach herself to live with it.

"Sorry Daniel," Sydney whispered as she grabbed a tall, thin man by the ankle, tripping him into the muck in front of her bush and ruining his pristine black suit.

"The f-?" the end of his exclaimation was cut off by Sydney's hand.

"I don't want to gag you, Daniel."

"Fox!" the man went limp in her grasp as he heaved a sigh into her hand. "Why can't you just call and make an appointment like a _normal _human being!"

Sydney smiled wryly, "I'm not a normal human being, Danny, you should know that by now."

The man in her arms huffed and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, "I do, it's just that sometimes I'm able to block out the memories and forget. Now, what can I do for you?"

Sydney paused, wondering if she could go through with this... this horrible, unfeeling, selfish thing she came her intending to do without a qualm. Was it all worth hurting Daniel, lying and hurting herself just to forget for a few hours... probably not even that long.... God she was a wreck, why was it so hard to just let it lie!

Sighing, she shook her head, suddenly having a pulse of conscience, "Nothing... I'm sorry, Daniel, I... I was going to ask you for something that wouldn't be fair to you me or..." She shook her head again.

"Syd..." her friend looked up at her, his eyes sofening, "You've finally..."

She looked away. "No... I can't..."

"Yes you can, Syd, you're as human as the rest of us."

_help me tear down my reason, help me its' your sex I can smell   
help me you make me perfect, help me become somebody else   
I want to fuck you like an animal   
I want to feel you from the inside   
I want to fuck you like an animal   
my whole existence is flawed   
you get me closer to god _

through every forest, above the trees   
within my stomach, scraped off my knees   
I drink the honey inside your hive   
you are the reason I stay alive

Sydney walked back the university in the sudden downpour, drenching her leather jacket and the layers beneath.... It was so utterly... beyond her control.

"Syd! What the devil hap-"

End.


End file.
